Summer of 2006, pt. 4

As I write tonight, my soul is at rest in the midst of a storm.

I am sitting by the pool in Phoenix. It is 10:00 at night here, and about 95 degrees and humid. It's not the heat that surprises me, it's the humidity. This is about the driest place on earth this side of the Sahara.

But regardless of the weather, I feel as though I have finally reached the intersection of my faith in the Lord and my decision to become a lawyer. I have been at Phase I of the Blackstone Fellowship for about a week now, and I have realized simply that this is where I was always meant to be-surrounded by fellowship with fellow Christians who care about God, who want to serve God, and who realize how much all of us, believers or not, are loved by God.

Take today. We had a church service this morning in the meeting room of the hotel. A pastor from the Alliance Defense Fund came in to speak, and two of the interns stepped up and did the music. It was so pure, such an expression of our love for God and God's enduring love for us. One intern played the piano, and one led the singing. We stumbled on the words, and probably the only song we did perfectly was "Amazing Grace." But my heart was in it, and I realized what it means when two or three are gathered in His name.

At the end, we sang a simple song-"Jesus Loves Me." It drove directly to the heart of the Gospel-regardless of our sins, regardless of what I got this semester in Constitutional Law or Property or Legislation, God will love me the same. Just realizing the enormity of what this means could take a lifetime. If you realize this truth, why worry about anything else?

This message could not have been more timely. After God had been working on my heart all week, helping me crack the exterior of selfishness, pride, and what I thought was self-sufficiency, Satan counter-attacked yesterday, blasting me to feel "concern" over my academic report from this past semester. "You can't control things anymore, Brian," he hissed at me. "If you come back with even one bad grade, in a 4-credit class like Property, it will shut the door on your success." Anxiety gripped my heart like a hand around my throat.

But I will have faith, and with God's help will fight off the Enemy's deception.

I cannot do a single thing to either affect my first-year grades, or to get onto a law journal next year. I will work with what I have, and do the best I can with the time and resources available to me.

But do you know what? It's not about me anymore.

It's not about landing the "right" job in some far-off metropolis where I drag in a big, fat paycheck to come home to some empty apartment and see my family twice a year. It's not about spending all these tears and treasure in school so that I make myself into a mercenary to build my own kingdom. So let the grades fall where they may. Because I have realized a simple but earth-shattering truth this week: God is not limited by my grades or achievements. He is only limited by my faith. And if God wants to open a door for me, no power of this world, or of Hell, can keep it closed. I do not say this out of arrogance, just a simple realization and acceptance that He is in control of my life-not myself.

Another example of my soul being at rest is tonight. I am writing this at a table on a patio overlooking the pool. Fellow believers are singing songs of praise in the background as we enjoy each other's company. Tonight I recognize and worship my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for bringing me to this place. He is the One who made this opportunity possible, that got me safely here, by airplane, van, and car, and is watching over the steps of my very existence. Why be afraid anymore? All I need is to stay this connected forever.

My soul is at rest just realizing the impact the last seven days have had upon me. It is mind-boggling. I realize that I can never return to the way things were before, even if I wanted them to. I was a prideful, self-righteous young man who was scared of having to keep up with his own expectations, and the myth of his own self-sufficiency. But I have realized I do not have to live that way anymore.

Most of my spiritual life, beginning not long after I accepted Christ, has been a game of trying to "escape" the life and the personal ministry to which I have been called, all out of laziness, shame, or another selfish motive. Instead of reading my Bible, I would eat another sandwich; instead of thinking about the calling He had placed upon my heart, I would immerse myself in Halo to the point of zombification.

Lord, let me hold tight to You forever. No more games. I will always run the race, but let me conquer my sinful hesitance to pursue Your Truth. I have just begun to do that; it took coming to the desert to get me to stop wandering in the desert. In this, in You, I will find my rest.