Some of the Scripture verses/passages I need to remember/am going to meditate on this week (all are from the KJV):
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk but not faint." -Isaiah 40:31
"For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. / But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, / Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost; / Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour" -Titus 3:3-6
"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? / For ye are bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's." -1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Just some initial thoughts, even though the new week is still to come:
- I don't want to give the impression that I am taking the passage from Titus out of context. Verses 1-2 read "Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work. / To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, showing all meekness unto all men." I think the message here is to work as approved before the Lord, and not to have an overly critical attitude toward others, staring them down for their weaknesses. The reason is simple: we were at one time sinners, equally in need of a Savior as those who so desperately need Him now. And, of course, we are still sinners, but have been redeemed. Not because we were inherently better than the people who have not yet responded to the Gospel, but because of the work of Jesus at Calvary. God had mercy on our souls.
This is something of which I continually need to remind myself. Beginning in high school, and continuing today, I struggle with the attitude of "forget them all." My (misguided) instinct is to watch out just for myself and the people I love, while turning my back to the sinners all around. But nothing could be further from the attitude of Christ.
My prayer this week is that I start to grow more tolerant of the people around me. Not just my classmates, but the imperfections of the average person I encounter every day-the reckless driver who cuts me off in traffic, or the people who make too much noise on High Street at night. I know that patience is not my strongest personality trait-but it is surfacing more often, day by day. Every time I hold my tongue in traffic, or remain calm at the trivial annoyances of others, I count this a small spiritual victory.
- Waiting upon the Lord is starting to come a little easier too. It used to be that I had to have what I wanted, when I wanted it, all the time. I still struggle with this sometimes, but it is waning as I get older. I have come to realize a simple truth: all my complaining, hand-wringing, and doubting is not going to move mountains, add an hour to my life (which I could really use right now, by the way), or do anything else to accomplish the Lord's work. I know now that I am better off putting that energy into dealing with the problem, thus using it constructively.
Lately, I have begun putting my entire future in God's hands. I have pretty much thrown out "the script," a plan for my life I formulated in high school, and replaced it with a desire to move in the direction God wants me to go. Of course, I still make general plans, and still have an idea of what I want to do after I graduate, for example. But my plans now include the one ingredient that was missing before-flexibility. Ultimately, I am not the one in charge. The challenge I face as a Christian is to keep growing and making progress, and learning to accept that I am guided by the One who holds time itself in His hands.
- Finally, I want this week to be a time where I take better care of myself. In law school, it is easy to fall behind on things like sleep, exercise, and good eating habits if you're not careful. In the haste of keeping up with my commitments, I sometimes forget these basics, and my health and well-being sometimes suffers as a result. Part of being a mature Christian (and a legal professional) is maintaining my body as a well-oiled machine for God's work. Starting this week, I am going to get back on track, by eating better, losing some excess weight, and getting plenty of sleep.
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
On the Trifecta of Rediscovery
I have rediscovered oatmeal. I used to eat it growing up, especially in elementary school, but only recently have I begun to switch from cereal back to this healthful alternative. It's a lot healthier than a lot of different kinds of cereal, and when you're like me, and are trying to eat better, anything that cuts your calories will help. I have been eating the Quaker instant kind, which is as easy as it gets to make-just pour on some milk and stick it in the microwave for one minute. Obviously, I can't eat it every day, but I have a feeling that eating oatmeal for breakfast several times a week is going to help a great deal with losing weight.
I have also rediscovered the fitness center in my apartment building. Normally I go to RPAC (Ohio State's Recreation and Physical Activity Center) to work out, but the high today was about 17 degrees, meaning I would have frozen to death somewhere on Neil Avenue. So I worked out in the building instead. It was nice-it's just a small room, and there was no one else in there. I could be alone with my thoughts for a while, instead of listening to the din of 100 people jogging and TV's playing afternoon episodes of Oprah or SportsCenter.
To complete the trifecta...I have rediscovered the value of silence. Honestly, how much silence do we have in our lives these days? Not nearly enough. Let me explain.
I first figured this out on my way to work about a week and a half ago. It was about 7:30 in the morning, and I was doing my usual fiddling with the dial at a red light, trying to find a good station. Finally, not being able to find one among the dozen or so I listen to regularly, I turned the radio off. I drove the rest of the way to work in total silence, with nothing but the noise of traffic to disturb this tranquility. It was the most gratifying simple pleasure that I had experienced in a long time, and all I had to do was push a button. I did the same thing on the way home from work that day, not even turning the radio on, except for a few brief minutes to hear the local news.
I have begun to realize that there is a spiritual dimension to this as well. When I turn off the radio, or the TV, or seek out silence when I can get it, it is akin to letting God's presence into my life, in that small way. He is always there, but I was never able to hear Him over country, or talk radio, or whatever it was that was playing in the background. One of the things I have learned in this brief year so far is that sometimes, God speaks in what we think are the dead spots between point A and point B in the car, or the times we are sitting in our apartment without the TV on or a law book in our hands (as rare as those times are nowadays). If you're paying attention, sometimes you can really feel God's presence-it seems to have its own form of quiet reassurance, an unspoken "I'm here" that you feel when you need it the most.
This is why I am going to try and seek out more silence in my life, as a way of working toward my goals in 2007 (a stronger walk with the Lord, and better stress management). The less I have to listen to background noise, the better off I will be.
I have also rediscovered the fitness center in my apartment building. Normally I go to RPAC (Ohio State's Recreation and Physical Activity Center) to work out, but the high today was about 17 degrees, meaning I would have frozen to death somewhere on Neil Avenue. So I worked out in the building instead. It was nice-it's just a small room, and there was no one else in there. I could be alone with my thoughts for a while, instead of listening to the din of 100 people jogging and TV's playing afternoon episodes of Oprah or SportsCenter.
To complete the trifecta...I have rediscovered the value of silence. Honestly, how much silence do we have in our lives these days? Not nearly enough. Let me explain.
I first figured this out on my way to work about a week and a half ago. It was about 7:30 in the morning, and I was doing my usual fiddling with the dial at a red light, trying to find a good station. Finally, not being able to find one among the dozen or so I listen to regularly, I turned the radio off. I drove the rest of the way to work in total silence, with nothing but the noise of traffic to disturb this tranquility. It was the most gratifying simple pleasure that I had experienced in a long time, and all I had to do was push a button. I did the same thing on the way home from work that day, not even turning the radio on, except for a few brief minutes to hear the local news.
I have begun to realize that there is a spiritual dimension to this as well. When I turn off the radio, or the TV, or seek out silence when I can get it, it is akin to letting God's presence into my life, in that small way. He is always there, but I was never able to hear Him over country, or talk radio, or whatever it was that was playing in the background. One of the things I have learned in this brief year so far is that sometimes, God speaks in what we think are the dead spots between point A and point B in the car, or the times we are sitting in our apartment without the TV on or a law book in our hands (as rare as those times are nowadays). If you're paying attention, sometimes you can really feel God's presence-it seems to have its own form of quiet reassurance, an unspoken "I'm here" that you feel when you need it the most.
This is why I am going to try and seek out more silence in my life, as a way of working toward my goals in 2007 (a stronger walk with the Lord, and better stress management). The less I have to listen to background noise, the better off I will be.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
On Being Thankful...For Law School
God truly sustained me with my visit home this weekend. It is the night after Thanksgiving, November 24th, and I am in the middle of a relaxing weekend at home. Some of the little things I have noticed:
1) The beautiful weather this week. It was sunny and 50 degrees on Wednesday for my trip home, and the traffic wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Last year, heading home the day before Thanksgiving was an ordeal-it took me 4 hours to get home to Akron from Columbus, when it normally takes about an hour and 45 minutes. But compared to last year, the trip went well-no heavy traffic beyond Delaware County, and no bad weather like last year, when I ran into a snowstorm from Mansfield to Akron. Even the bad weather has worked out-the fog this morning drove people away from the stores, making Christmas shopping a lot easier.
2) Getting to go shopping with my brother this morning-our annual tradition. I woke up at 4:30, and we caught the early sales at Best Buy and Wal-Mart, and managed to get to about a half dozen other stores before finishing around 11:00.
3) Spending time with the family, the first significant time in over a month. Last night, we went to the light display at Blossom Music Center, and tonight, to see the windows on Main Street. This was the first Thanksgiving in a few years that the windows were decorated for Christmas, and it was nice to see everything again. Each window has a theme-one is decorated with characters from "The Wizard of Oz," "Peter Pan," and so on. My personal favorite is a display showing the evolution of Santa through the centuries, in different cultures. Where else can you find out about the pioneer Santa in a buckskin coat?
4) Good food-I couldn't take one more night of Pesto or Panera. Thanksgiving dinner was delicious, cooked by my brother and sister-in-law, and there were plenty of leftovers for tonight. I always eat better at home than I do in Columbus, and this weekend was a case in point.
These are the little reasons about why I am so refreshed by coming home, and why it gets harder every week to head back to Columbus.
But of all the manifold blessings in my life right now, I am thankful for the most difficult experience of my life-law school. Here's why:
First of all, the tougher things get, the closer the whole experience brings me to God. Every day I am ignored, and mistreated, and derided for the cause in which I fervently believe, serving God through the legal profession, it brings me a little closer to the Truth. The longer I have remained in Columbus, the bleaker the secular landscape appears, and it is seeing these diversions of money, power, and indulgence for what they are that is giving me the great spiritual awakening that I will need for the years ahead.
It is impossible to describe all of the undercurrents taking place to this effect, but I credit the positive influences in my life (my family, Christian and non-Christian friends who are supportive, other Blackstone Fellows), juxtaposed with the experiences I have had and people I have encountered in law school, for leading me closer to Christ than I ever could have gone in a safer environment, such as going to school while living at home. I lived that life during college, and even though I was challenged in some respects, I was never able to experience the spiritual growth I have while on my own. Somehow, I received just enough success, got thrown just enough scraps from the world's table, that I never needed to stretch myself and realize that God cannot be kept in a box-that there is something more to grab on to.
I wish I could say that this is a finished work, a three-step program under which I could claim that the first step is complete, and that I am ready to move on to the second. But God's work on my heart will never be complete until the day I die, or He calls me home.
Second, I am thankful for law school because the closer I get to God, the more I thirst for righteousness. Even as elusive as this is in my life, even with all my shortcomings, I am seeing more and more that this, not grades, money, power or prestige, is what matters. It is as though all my old idols are being left behind, and what is left is something that captivates, challenges, and dares me to rise above my own imagination. Even though I don't always achieve this in my actions, the desire is there, and I am bound to act on it.
One aspect of my desire of Him is that in law school, now that I don't have the old academic and achievement idols to hide behind, I am coming to realize more and more my own sinfulness and depravity. I compare my sinful nature to the God I serve, and it becomes all the more amazing that I am not left to rot in hell where I belong.
This is still a work a progress, however; as I continue to grow spiritually, I must enthrone God so that He can work on my heart and I can develop godliness in my life. And this is one more reason I am thankful for law school: the more I move toward God, the more I enthrone Him in my life and exercise my free will to let Him lead me where I need to go, the more He can accomplish His plan for my life.
So yes, I am thankful for the trials I have faced since last August, and for the Lord who sustains me with the rising sun each day. "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." -Rom. 8:37 (KJV)
Monday, October 16, 2006
On October
October is here, and the wind is blowing a little bit colder each day. The leaves are changing colors, even here on High Street, a brilliant red and gold. And it is the heart of football season.
But this is a tough time right now, going through the onslaught that is the second year of law school. I actually had a moment tonight where I looked at my to-do list for tomorrow, and realized that I literally do not have enough hours in the day, or week, to get everything turned in that is due. I will try to do it, but it will be an awful tme crunch, alleviated only when Friday night comes along.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic in saying all this; I have a good life. But every day, I want to see the Savior in what I do, and it's just so difficult to see much of anything beyond a to-do list and the next deadline. I am just tired of being ground into powder-the endless procession of reading, deadlines, acc-checks, all of it. I am laboring for the Lord, but some days the workload can be crushing.
I just got done reading a book called "The Sacred Romance", by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. It is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it as a companion to "Wild at Heart", by Eldredge. It talks about the journey of having communion with God and becoming synchronized with His purpose in our lives-this is the Sacred Romance to which the author refers.
Overall, the message has caused me to have mixed feelings about what I am doing with my life right now. On the one hand, the part of me that feels called to participate in the defense of Christianity and traditional values in the culture is gratified that God has chosen me to at least receive the requisite education. I am proud that I have gotten to attend a first-tier law school, watch the Massachusetts constitutional convention, work to His glory this past summer in Cincinnati, and that I will soon get to have another adventure when I travel to San Antonio. There are countless times when I get lonely in my apartment, or discouraged, or feel like I have let God down somehow, when the Holy Spirit shows up just in time to give me the strength to keep going. I think that this is part of the Sacred Romance, that alluring path which I have managed to stay on these past several years.
Yet I also get this nagging feeling that I could do more. This takes two forms: it is either self-doubt, in which case it comes from my own sinful nature or from the Enemy, and should be discarded, or it is God calling me elsewhere. If it is from God, He either wants me to leave law school behind and pursue another calling, or reorder my priorities at Moritz.
I have come to the conclusion that it is a combination of the former and the latter. I have prayed dozens, scores of times for God's guidance on whether to stay here, and each time, the gut feeling is the same: stay. Don't give up.
And here I stay.
But this is a tough time right now, going through the onslaught that is the second year of law school. I actually had a moment tonight where I looked at my to-do list for tomorrow, and realized that I literally do not have enough hours in the day, or week, to get everything turned in that is due. I will try to do it, but it will be an awful tme crunch, alleviated only when Friday night comes along.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic in saying all this; I have a good life. But every day, I want to see the Savior in what I do, and it's just so difficult to see much of anything beyond a to-do list and the next deadline. I am just tired of being ground into powder-the endless procession of reading, deadlines, acc-checks, all of it. I am laboring for the Lord, but some days the workload can be crushing.
I just got done reading a book called "The Sacred Romance", by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge. It is an excellent book, and I highly recommend it as a companion to "Wild at Heart", by Eldredge. It talks about the journey of having communion with God and becoming synchronized with His purpose in our lives-this is the Sacred Romance to which the author refers.
Overall, the message has caused me to have mixed feelings about what I am doing with my life right now. On the one hand, the part of me that feels called to participate in the defense of Christianity and traditional values in the culture is gratified that God has chosen me to at least receive the requisite education. I am proud that I have gotten to attend a first-tier law school, watch the Massachusetts constitutional convention, work to His glory this past summer in Cincinnati, and that I will soon get to have another adventure when I travel to San Antonio. There are countless times when I get lonely in my apartment, or discouraged, or feel like I have let God down somehow, when the Holy Spirit shows up just in time to give me the strength to keep going. I think that this is part of the Sacred Romance, that alluring path which I have managed to stay on these past several years.
Yet I also get this nagging feeling that I could do more. This takes two forms: it is either self-doubt, in which case it comes from my own sinful nature or from the Enemy, and should be discarded, or it is God calling me elsewhere. If it is from God, He either wants me to leave law school behind and pursue another calling, or reorder my priorities at Moritz.
I have come to the conclusion that it is a combination of the former and the latter. I have prayed dozens, scores of times for God's guidance on whether to stay here, and each time, the gut feeling is the same: stay. Don't give up.
And here I stay.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
On the Dog Days of Summer
It may be hot outside right now (highs in the 90's again here today, and greenhouse-like humidity) but tonight it is warm in my soul.
The title of this post is actually misleading. There's nothing "doggish" about what is going on in my life right now. The truth is, I have enough to thank God for to last in prayer for a solid week. Just to sample things-I made it onto the Ohio State Law Journal for next year, I am working for two solid Christian attorneys here in Cincinnati, learning the ropes from the best, and I am going to have the energy to excel at the huge workload that faces me when I return to Columbus in about a month. And my mom and dad have quit smoking for two weeks now-I can't say enough how proud I am of them.
But this wasn't meant to just praise God and move on, although there is more than enough that is praiseworthy to go around. This is to share some anecdotal evidence about how much the Lord has changed me, just since June 11 when I first set foot in Arizona.
- Watching TV just doesn't have the appeal that it used to. I'm not sure when exactly this happened at some indeterminate point in the past, but a time came when the purpose of watching TV became less for entertainment and enrichment, and more for escapism. Now, I would rather read, unless the show is something educational like Jeopardy.
The less you watch TV, the more you realize the point of why you kept it on so much in the first place. For me, about 80 percent of the time it was background noise-enough to keep me from thinking too much, and falling on my knees in prayer.
If you are a believer, and reading this, you have probably thought the same thing at one time or another. What purpose does keeping your TV on all day really accomplish? Are we really that drawn to UFO shows on the History Channel and reruns of "Yes, Dear" on TBS? Or is there something within us that wants to cry out to Him, but instead we grab the remote control? I'm not writing this to pass judgment on anyone, or swear off TV completely. But I think God has shown me this summer that I was using it to run from the pursuit of some deeper spiritual connection.
- The same thing with video games. I never thought I would be saying this, but it looks as though I may be outgrowing this old hobby of mine, or at least putting it more into perspective.
A few months ago, I was driving down High Street one Saturday, coming from breakfast with an acquaintance from church, when I decided to stop in a video game store. Even then, I could tell that my level of enthusiasm was not as high as it used to be. Not so long ago, I could hardly enter an electronics store, or even a department store like Wal-Mart or Target that has an electronics department, without at least taking a look at games I wish I could own, or would buy if I had the money. This dates back to my childhood, when one of my favorite things to do on the weekend was go to the video store, rent a game for my old 8-bit Nintendo or Super NES, and play to my heart's content, or at least until I had to run it back by 6 PM Sunday.
Now...I'm finally starting to realize the level of distraction that was involved. And again, I'm not condemning video games, and I'm not saying I plan to stop playing completely. But one of the ways in which I think God is working on my heart this summer is to get me to see the importance of how I manage my time. I am starting to realize that decisions on how to balance work and play have important spiritual consequences, that may even spill over into other areas of my life. When I take too much time for myself, when I am selfish with the time God has given me and devote it to idleness, I am not heeding the call to be excellent and stand in the gap for Him. Now, this summer, I am going to repent of this sin and, in His strength, root out this stronghold in my life.
- Putting leisure activities such as TV and video games into perspective goes hand in hand with getting more sleep, another front in the spiritual war.
"But how does how much sleep you get matter?" you may ask.
The truth is, I was asking the same thing until very recently. But like so many things, this summer changed the equation. In Phoenix, our schedule was "early to bed, early to rise," meaning that I was in bed each night by 11 or so, and up every morning by 6:15. It really opened my eyes, both literally and figuratively, to see how much my mental and emotional state improved from getting only 1 or 2 extra hours of sleep a night. Being well-rested made learning, socializing, and even everyday activities like having a conversation much easier. I had almost forgotten what being rested felt like, after spending so many late nights studying and watching TV during the school year.
I read an article not too long ago on christianitytoday.com that talked about the spiritual issue of rest, and how it applies to getting enough sleep at night-for God. I see the point now to what they were saying-getting enough sleep is an act of spiritual discipline. In short, what I have taken away from my Blackstone experience is the importance of simply calling it a night.
The title of this post is actually misleading. There's nothing "doggish" about what is going on in my life right now. The truth is, I have enough to thank God for to last in prayer for a solid week. Just to sample things-I made it onto the Ohio State Law Journal for next year, I am working for two solid Christian attorneys here in Cincinnati, learning the ropes from the best, and I am going to have the energy to excel at the huge workload that faces me when I return to Columbus in about a month. And my mom and dad have quit smoking for two weeks now-I can't say enough how proud I am of them.
But this wasn't meant to just praise God and move on, although there is more than enough that is praiseworthy to go around. This is to share some anecdotal evidence about how much the Lord has changed me, just since June 11 when I first set foot in Arizona.
- Watching TV just doesn't have the appeal that it used to. I'm not sure when exactly this happened at some indeterminate point in the past, but a time came when the purpose of watching TV became less for entertainment and enrichment, and more for escapism. Now, I would rather read, unless the show is something educational like Jeopardy.
The less you watch TV, the more you realize the point of why you kept it on so much in the first place. For me, about 80 percent of the time it was background noise-enough to keep me from thinking too much, and falling on my knees in prayer.
If you are a believer, and reading this, you have probably thought the same thing at one time or another. What purpose does keeping your TV on all day really accomplish? Are we really that drawn to UFO shows on the History Channel and reruns of "Yes, Dear" on TBS? Or is there something within us that wants to cry out to Him, but instead we grab the remote control? I'm not writing this to pass judgment on anyone, or swear off TV completely. But I think God has shown me this summer that I was using it to run from the pursuit of some deeper spiritual connection.
- The same thing with video games. I never thought I would be saying this, but it looks as though I may be outgrowing this old hobby of mine, or at least putting it more into perspective.
A few months ago, I was driving down High Street one Saturday, coming from breakfast with an acquaintance from church, when I decided to stop in a video game store. Even then, I could tell that my level of enthusiasm was not as high as it used to be. Not so long ago, I could hardly enter an electronics store, or even a department store like Wal-Mart or Target that has an electronics department, without at least taking a look at games I wish I could own, or would buy if I had the money. This dates back to my childhood, when one of my favorite things to do on the weekend was go to the video store, rent a game for my old 8-bit Nintendo or Super NES, and play to my heart's content, or at least until I had to run it back by 6 PM Sunday.
Now...I'm finally starting to realize the level of distraction that was involved. And again, I'm not condemning video games, and I'm not saying I plan to stop playing completely. But one of the ways in which I think God is working on my heart this summer is to get me to see the importance of how I manage my time. I am starting to realize that decisions on how to balance work and play have important spiritual consequences, that may even spill over into other areas of my life. When I take too much time for myself, when I am selfish with the time God has given me and devote it to idleness, I am not heeding the call to be excellent and stand in the gap for Him. Now, this summer, I am going to repent of this sin and, in His strength, root out this stronghold in my life.
- Putting leisure activities such as TV and video games into perspective goes hand in hand with getting more sleep, another front in the spiritual war.
"But how does how much sleep you get matter?" you may ask.
The truth is, I was asking the same thing until very recently. But like so many things, this summer changed the equation. In Phoenix, our schedule was "early to bed, early to rise," meaning that I was in bed each night by 11 or so, and up every morning by 6:15. It really opened my eyes, both literally and figuratively, to see how much my mental and emotional state improved from getting only 1 or 2 extra hours of sleep a night. Being well-rested made learning, socializing, and even everyday activities like having a conversation much easier. I had almost forgotten what being rested felt like, after spending so many late nights studying and watching TV during the school year.
I read an article not too long ago on christianitytoday.com that talked about the spiritual issue of rest, and how it applies to getting enough sleep at night-for God. I see the point now to what they were saying-getting enough sleep is an act of spiritual discipline. In short, what I have taken away from my Blackstone experience is the importance of simply calling it a night.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Summer of 2006, pt. 4
As I write tonight, my soul is at rest in the midst of a storm.
I am sitting by the pool in Phoenix. It is 10:00 at night here, and about 95 degrees and humid. It's not the heat that surprises me, it's the humidity. This is about the driest place on earth this side of the Sahara.
But regardless of the weather, I feel as though I have finally reached the intersection of my faith in the Lord and my decision to become a lawyer. I have been at Phase I of the Blackstone Fellowship for about a week now, and I have realized simply that this is where I was always meant to be-surrounded by fellowship with fellow Christians who care about God, who want to serve God, and who realize how much all of us, believers or not, are loved by God.
Take today. We had a church service this morning in the meeting room of the hotel. A pastor from the Alliance Defense Fund came in to speak, and two of the interns stepped up and did the music. It was so pure, such an expression of our love for God and God's enduring love for us. One intern played the piano, and one led the singing. We stumbled on the words, and probably the only song we did perfectly was "Amazing Grace." But my heart was in it, and I realized what it means when two or three are gathered in His name.
At the end, we sang a simple song-"Jesus Loves Me." It drove directly to the heart of the Gospel-regardless of our sins, regardless of what I got this semester in Constitutional Law or Property or Legislation, God will love me the same. Just realizing the enormity of what this means could take a lifetime. If you realize this truth, why worry about anything else?
This message could not have been more timely. After God had been working on my heart all week, helping me crack the exterior of selfishness, pride, and what I thought was self-sufficiency, Satan counter-attacked yesterday, blasting me to feel "concern" over my academic report from this past semester. "You can't control things anymore, Brian," he hissed at me. "If you come back with even one bad grade, in a 4-credit class like Property, it will shut the door on your success." Anxiety gripped my heart like a hand around my throat.
But I will have faith, and with God's help will fight off the Enemy's deception.
I cannot do a single thing to either affect my first-year grades, or to get onto a law journal next year. I will work with what I have, and do the best I can with the time and resources available to me.
But do you know what? It's not about me anymore.
It's not about landing the "right" job in some far-off metropolis where I drag in a big, fat paycheck to come home to some empty apartment and see my family twice a year. It's not about spending all these tears and treasure in school so that I make myself into a mercenary to build my own kingdom. So let the grades fall where they may. Because I have realized a simple but earth-shattering truth this week: God is not limited by my grades or achievements. He is only limited by my faith. And if God wants to open a door for me, no power of this world, or of Hell, can keep it closed. I do not say this out of arrogance, just a simple realization and acceptance that He is in control of my life-not myself.
Another example of my soul being at rest is tonight. I am writing this at a table on a patio overlooking the pool. Fellow believers are singing songs of praise in the background as we enjoy each other's company. Tonight I recognize and worship my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for bringing me to this place. He is the One who made this opportunity possible, that got me safely here, by airplane, van, and car, and is watching over the steps of my very existence. Why be afraid anymore? All I need is to stay this connected forever.
My soul is at rest just realizing the impact the last seven days have had upon me. It is mind-boggling. I realize that I can never return to the way things were before, even if I wanted them to. I was a prideful, self-righteous young man who was scared of having to keep up with his own expectations, and the myth of his own self-sufficiency. But I have realized I do not have to live that way anymore.
Most of my spiritual life, beginning not long after I accepted Christ, has been a game of trying to "escape" the life and the personal ministry to which I have been called, all out of laziness, shame, or another selfish motive. Instead of reading my Bible, I would eat another sandwich; instead of thinking about the calling He had placed upon my heart, I would immerse myself in Halo to the point of zombification.
Lord, let me hold tight to You forever. No more games. I will always run the race, but let me conquer my sinful hesitance to pursue Your Truth. I have just begun to do that; it took coming to the desert to get me to stop wandering in the desert. In this, in You, I will find my rest.
I am sitting by the pool in Phoenix. It is 10:00 at night here, and about 95 degrees and humid. It's not the heat that surprises me, it's the humidity. This is about the driest place on earth this side of the Sahara.
But regardless of the weather, I feel as though I have finally reached the intersection of my faith in the Lord and my decision to become a lawyer. I have been at Phase I of the Blackstone Fellowship for about a week now, and I have realized simply that this is where I was always meant to be-surrounded by fellowship with fellow Christians who care about God, who want to serve God, and who realize how much all of us, believers or not, are loved by God.
Take today. We had a church service this morning in the meeting room of the hotel. A pastor from the Alliance Defense Fund came in to speak, and two of the interns stepped up and did the music. It was so pure, such an expression of our love for God and God's enduring love for us. One intern played the piano, and one led the singing. We stumbled on the words, and probably the only song we did perfectly was "Amazing Grace." But my heart was in it, and I realized what it means when two or three are gathered in His name.
At the end, we sang a simple song-"Jesus Loves Me." It drove directly to the heart of the Gospel-regardless of our sins, regardless of what I got this semester in Constitutional Law or Property or Legislation, God will love me the same. Just realizing the enormity of what this means could take a lifetime. If you realize this truth, why worry about anything else?
This message could not have been more timely. After God had been working on my heart all week, helping me crack the exterior of selfishness, pride, and what I thought was self-sufficiency, Satan counter-attacked yesterday, blasting me to feel "concern" over my academic report from this past semester. "You can't control things anymore, Brian," he hissed at me. "If you come back with even one bad grade, in a 4-credit class like Property, it will shut the door on your success." Anxiety gripped my heart like a hand around my throat.
But I will have faith, and with God's help will fight off the Enemy's deception.
I cannot do a single thing to either affect my first-year grades, or to get onto a law journal next year. I will work with what I have, and do the best I can with the time and resources available to me.
But do you know what? It's not about me anymore.
It's not about landing the "right" job in some far-off metropolis where I drag in a big, fat paycheck to come home to some empty apartment and see my family twice a year. It's not about spending all these tears and treasure in school so that I make myself into a mercenary to build my own kingdom. So let the grades fall where they may. Because I have realized a simple but earth-shattering truth this week: God is not limited by my grades or achievements. He is only limited by my faith. And if God wants to open a door for me, no power of this world, or of Hell, can keep it closed. I do not say this out of arrogance, just a simple realization and acceptance that He is in control of my life-not myself.
Another example of my soul being at rest is tonight. I am writing this at a table on a patio overlooking the pool. Fellow believers are singing songs of praise in the background as we enjoy each other's company. Tonight I recognize and worship my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for bringing me to this place. He is the One who made this opportunity possible, that got me safely here, by airplane, van, and car, and is watching over the steps of my very existence. Why be afraid anymore? All I need is to stay this connected forever.
My soul is at rest just realizing the impact the last seven days have had upon me. It is mind-boggling. I realize that I can never return to the way things were before, even if I wanted them to. I was a prideful, self-righteous young man who was scared of having to keep up with his own expectations, and the myth of his own self-sufficiency. But I have realized I do not have to live that way anymore.
Most of my spiritual life, beginning not long after I accepted Christ, has been a game of trying to "escape" the life and the personal ministry to which I have been called, all out of laziness, shame, or another selfish motive. Instead of reading my Bible, I would eat another sandwich; instead of thinking about the calling He had placed upon my heart, I would immerse myself in Halo to the point of zombification.
Lord, let me hold tight to You forever. No more games. I will always run the race, but let me conquer my sinful hesitance to pursue Your Truth. I have just begun to do that; it took coming to the desert to get me to stop wandering in the desert. In this, in You, I will find my rest.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
On Engaging
This is the third post in which I will discuss my goals for 2006. Here, I will cover my two main social goals for this year, to get in better physical shape and better balance my law school activities to have more social interaction with others.
1) Getting in better shape will improve my life from a number of angles. First, losing some weight will give me more endurance for studying. I will be able to put in longer days and have more stamina for late-night study sessions and the demanding schedule with which I will be faced in the fall. Second, the extent to which I am in shape has spiritual consequences. If I work out frequently, I will sleep better, have more energy, and be better prepared for my labors, and for everyday ministry on the Lord's behalf.
How have I been doing in working towards this goal? I am in better shape than at the beginning of the semester, and have lost some weight, but there is still a long way to go. I am optimistic that this summer will give me the opportunity to get in even better shape for the challenges facing me this fall. When I get back to school in August, I plan to do a better job of getting to the gym regularly to exercise, hopefully with some classmates.
2) The most important way to have more social interaction with others is to get more active and plugged into a church community. I have been attending a young adult service at a local church on Sunday nights, and found a small group to attend on Friday nights, but I plan to really get active in the church community in the fall.
In addition to the volunteer work I started this semester at a local legal clinic, I would like to find a way to volunteer through a church activity at least once a week (maybe in a non law-related activity such as a soup kitchen). I need to do this to keep a sense of perspective about the world and interact with people outside of a law school or law-related setting. Ultimately volunteering will make me a better person and a more mature Christian, by reminding me who is the Source of life and opportunity.
1) Getting in better shape will improve my life from a number of angles. First, losing some weight will give me more endurance for studying. I will be able to put in longer days and have more stamina for late-night study sessions and the demanding schedule with which I will be faced in the fall. Second, the extent to which I am in shape has spiritual consequences. If I work out frequently, I will sleep better, have more energy, and be better prepared for my labors, and for everyday ministry on the Lord's behalf.
How have I been doing in working towards this goal? I am in better shape than at the beginning of the semester, and have lost some weight, but there is still a long way to go. I am optimistic that this summer will give me the opportunity to get in even better shape for the challenges facing me this fall. When I get back to school in August, I plan to do a better job of getting to the gym regularly to exercise, hopefully with some classmates.
2) The most important way to have more social interaction with others is to get more active and plugged into a church community. I have been attending a young adult service at a local church on Sunday nights, and found a small group to attend on Friday nights, but I plan to really get active in the church community in the fall.
In addition to the volunteer work I started this semester at a local legal clinic, I would like to find a way to volunteer through a church activity at least once a week (maybe in a non law-related activity such as a soup kitchen). I need to do this to keep a sense of perspective about the world and interact with people outside of a law school or law-related setting. Ultimately volunteering will make me a better person and a more mature Christian, by reminding me who is the Source of life and opportunity.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
On Drawing Nearer to God
Tonight, I will write about my spiritual goals for 2006, and my connection with God now that the first year of law school is drawing to a close. The second post was delayed due to exams.
I have had three fundamental spiritual goals this year: get more involved with church and serving others, increase my daily communication with God, and work on godliness.
1) Probably the best thing I can do to help increase my involvement with church is to do a better job of scheduling. In the fall, I plan to try and attend church, or Bible study, twice a week-the regular Sunday service, and then I would like to find a small group where I can become a regular and get to know other Christians my age with whom I can grow and have fellowship.
As of now, I am planning to continue with a small group at Central Vineyard, a local church I discovered recently. I have only been able to go once so far because of exams, but I am looking forward to getting to know everyone.
Actually, my church attendance is tied into one of my professional goals-doing a better job of staying up to date on my outlines throughout the semester. If I can do this, I will have more time available for Sunday church and Bible study in November, when final exams and the App Ad oral argument are closing in.
I also plan to find more time to serve others, law-related or not. This may include using my knowledge as a law student to serve through a legal clinic, or I may volunteer through the Salvation Army or a local church or organization. I am going to continue what I am doing now, and work to do even more.
2) I have made progress on my prayer life, but want to continue improving. The main thing I want to focus on for the rest of the year is being more diligent about praying in the morning. I need to make it a habit-get up, then pray before breakfast. Even better, if I can establish this as a matter of course each morning, I can start having my devotional time in the morning instead of evening, which will make it easier to remember and apply to my daily activities. Right now, I only manage morning prayer about once or twice a week.
For the rest of the year, I am going to try reading through one or two books of the Bible a month-not necessarily in order, but all of them eventually. A few days ago, I started off by reading the first chapter of Mark. After I finish Mark, I will read Jeremiah.
3) The last goal encompasses a series of changes I need to make, and continue to make, to draw closer to the Lord. Here are a few:
Better stress management: I am going to start enjoying law school, and not let fear and anxiety get the best of me anymore. In general, be more proactive, since "the righteous are bold as a lion" (Proverbs 28:1 KJV).
Develop hobbies and interests: pursue things like Civil War history, singing, and writing poetry. This will give me a more positive attitude generally, and make connections with others.
More wisdom and shrewdness: one mistake I made this year was getting wrapped up in a lot of religious/political debates I should have, in retrospect, avoided. I hope I can reconcile with the people I have treated wrongly, and help make up for some of the mistakes I made this year. From now on, I plan to be much more discerning in what I say and how I act.
These are some of the spiritual goals I intend to pursue this year. I will write again soon, on my social goals for 2006, and what I intend to improve on and accomplish.
I have had three fundamental spiritual goals this year: get more involved with church and serving others, increase my daily communication with God, and work on godliness.
1) Probably the best thing I can do to help increase my involvement with church is to do a better job of scheduling. In the fall, I plan to try and attend church, or Bible study, twice a week-the regular Sunday service, and then I would like to find a small group where I can become a regular and get to know other Christians my age with whom I can grow and have fellowship.
As of now, I am planning to continue with a small group at Central Vineyard, a local church I discovered recently. I have only been able to go once so far because of exams, but I am looking forward to getting to know everyone.
Actually, my church attendance is tied into one of my professional goals-doing a better job of staying up to date on my outlines throughout the semester. If I can do this, I will have more time available for Sunday church and Bible study in November, when final exams and the App Ad oral argument are closing in.
I also plan to find more time to serve others, law-related or not. This may include using my knowledge as a law student to serve through a legal clinic, or I may volunteer through the Salvation Army or a local church or organization. I am going to continue what I am doing now, and work to do even more.
2) I have made progress on my prayer life, but want to continue improving. The main thing I want to focus on for the rest of the year is being more diligent about praying in the morning. I need to make it a habit-get up, then pray before breakfast. Even better, if I can establish this as a matter of course each morning, I can start having my devotional time in the morning instead of evening, which will make it easier to remember and apply to my daily activities. Right now, I only manage morning prayer about once or twice a week.
For the rest of the year, I am going to try reading through one or two books of the Bible a month-not necessarily in order, but all of them eventually. A few days ago, I started off by reading the first chapter of Mark. After I finish Mark, I will read Jeremiah.
3) The last goal encompasses a series of changes I need to make, and continue to make, to draw closer to the Lord. Here are a few:
Better stress management: I am going to start enjoying law school, and not let fear and anxiety get the best of me anymore. In general, be more proactive, since "the righteous are bold as a lion" (Proverbs 28:1 KJV).
Develop hobbies and interests: pursue things like Civil War history, singing, and writing poetry. This will give me a more positive attitude generally, and make connections with others.
More wisdom and shrewdness: one mistake I made this year was getting wrapped up in a lot of religious/political debates I should have, in retrospect, avoided. I hope I can reconcile with the people I have treated wrongly, and help make up for some of the mistakes I made this year. From now on, I plan to be much more discerning in what I say and how I act.
These are some of the spiritual goals I intend to pursue this year. I will write again soon, on my social goals for 2006, and what I intend to improve on and accomplish.
Friday, April 28, 2006
On Staying Cool
The title of this post refers to the advice we received in our Property class today to "stay cool" for the upcoming exam. Our professor told us to look at the example of Justice Alito during his confirmation hearings-his wife sobbed, but he didn't flinch. By referring to us, I'm not sure if he meant Alito or his wife, given the strain we are all under right now.
Today was our last day of class for the first year of law school. It is difficult to look at it with a sense of context right now, because I am right in the thick of studying for my final exams, which begin Monday. But whether or not we realize it, what we have done so far, just getting through the first year of law school, is a huge accomplishment. It has been a long 9 months since I have moved to Columbus, and it has not been an easy experience by any stretch. But I have made it and survived, and have proved to myself that I will not be retreating up I-71 anytime soon.
That being said, there are lessons I have learned from this past year. There are some things I have done right, but other areas where I could use some improvement. The rest of this week, in a three-part series of blog posts, I will talk about what I need to do to stick with my goals for 2006 in three key areas: spiritual, professional, and social. Tonight, I will discuss my professional goals and how I am working towards those goals for this year, and how I can improve.
My professional goals, generally speaking, for 2006 have been to do my best with respect to law school grades, line up strong plans for summer, become more active in politics and networking, use my time productively, and create and maintain a blog, as a resource for fellow Christian law students (and general interest for all readers).
Generally speaking, this is the most successful of the three areas in which I set goals for this year. I am proud to say that one of my goals for the year has already been accomplished-you are reading it right now. I will be participating in the Blackstone Legal Fellowship this summer, so I definitely accomplished what I wanted there. I have had some real and definite successes so far in 2006.
However, there are areas where I need to improve for the remaining 7 months of the year:
1) Grades: my law school grades have been solid so far, but to improve and do even better, in the fall I need to focus on spreading out my workload through the semester. The mistake I made during the first year was to concentrate most, or all, of my outlining during the last couple weeks of class. This has created a very stressful situation, as I am rushing to finish my course outlines before the exam in order to preserve a meaningful amount (2-3 days) of study time before each test. In the fall, I resolve to do a better job of having a quota of outlining to complete every 2-3 weeks. This will make the end of the semester (Appellate Advocacy included) much less stressful.
This, along with other changes I plan to make, will help make me a more effective law student, which ultimately has a spiritual component as well, insofar as what I do as a law student and lawyer reflects my love of the Lord and my willingness to serve Him through my labor.
2) Networking: in general, I plan to attend as many Mentoring Program and other networking and Republican Party events as my schedule will allow. Not much to say here.
3) Time management: probably the most critical skill I need to develop in my life, short of prayer and spiritual disciplines. When I get back from my internship this summer, I will need to take inventory of all my time commitments, and make a comprehensive schedule covering everything from exercising at RPAC to time to cook dinner to reading for Business Associations (one of our second-year courses). I will more fully develop this idea later. This topic is closely related to grades, since I need to do better at managing my workload throughout the semester.
Today was our last day of class for the first year of law school. It is difficult to look at it with a sense of context right now, because I am right in the thick of studying for my final exams, which begin Monday. But whether or not we realize it, what we have done so far, just getting through the first year of law school, is a huge accomplishment. It has been a long 9 months since I have moved to Columbus, and it has not been an easy experience by any stretch. But I have made it and survived, and have proved to myself that I will not be retreating up I-71 anytime soon.
That being said, there are lessons I have learned from this past year. There are some things I have done right, but other areas where I could use some improvement. The rest of this week, in a three-part series of blog posts, I will talk about what I need to do to stick with my goals for 2006 in three key areas: spiritual, professional, and social. Tonight, I will discuss my professional goals and how I am working towards those goals for this year, and how I can improve.
My professional goals, generally speaking, for 2006 have been to do my best with respect to law school grades, line up strong plans for summer, become more active in politics and networking, use my time productively, and create and maintain a blog, as a resource for fellow Christian law students (and general interest for all readers).
Generally speaking, this is the most successful of the three areas in which I set goals for this year. I am proud to say that one of my goals for the year has already been accomplished-you are reading it right now. I will be participating in the Blackstone Legal Fellowship this summer, so I definitely accomplished what I wanted there. I have had some real and definite successes so far in 2006.
However, there are areas where I need to improve for the remaining 7 months of the year:
1) Grades: my law school grades have been solid so far, but to improve and do even better, in the fall I need to focus on spreading out my workload through the semester. The mistake I made during the first year was to concentrate most, or all, of my outlining during the last couple weeks of class. This has created a very stressful situation, as I am rushing to finish my course outlines before the exam in order to preserve a meaningful amount (2-3 days) of study time before each test. In the fall, I resolve to do a better job of having a quota of outlining to complete every 2-3 weeks. This will make the end of the semester (Appellate Advocacy included) much less stressful.
This, along with other changes I plan to make, will help make me a more effective law student, which ultimately has a spiritual component as well, insofar as what I do as a law student and lawyer reflects my love of the Lord and my willingness to serve Him through my labor.
2) Networking: in general, I plan to attend as many Mentoring Program and other networking and Republican Party events as my schedule will allow. Not much to say here.
3) Time management: probably the most critical skill I need to develop in my life, short of prayer and spiritual disciplines. When I get back from my internship this summer, I will need to take inventory of all my time commitments, and make a comprehensive schedule covering everything from exercising at RPAC to time to cook dinner to reading for Business Associations (one of our second-year courses). I will more fully develop this idea later. This topic is closely related to grades, since I need to do better at managing my workload throughout the semester.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
On Rising Above
Tonight, it is time to reflect on the events of the past month, to look at where I have been, and where I am headed.
As I write this, I am in the last stage of the first year of law school. In two weeks, I will be taking my exams in Property, Constitutional Law, and Legislation, and I will be competing for a spot on one of the law journals for next year. After that, I will have a few weeks off before I head out to Arizona for the first stage of the Blackstone Fellowship, and then beyond that, a fall semester packed with everything except time to rest. The rest of 2006 is going to be extremely busy, and will probably go by fast.
On the surface, this should be one of the best times of my life-I am getting to live out the plans I had made for myself. But recently, especially in the last month or so, I have let myself become consumed with the stress I am under. This has been brought on by a combination of things: a lack of enough sleep, not making it to exercise on a regular basis, but most importantly, I have lacked a regular prayer and devotion time. My communication with Headquarters has, for the most part, been severed by the Enemy's distractions.
Ultimately there is only one way out-finding a way to rise above the situation by growing and meeting my spiritual and student-related challenges.
About a month ago, I wrote about how my problem is that I am focused too much on living to please other people, instead of pleasing God. But what I still need to figure out is what it means to live a life that is pleasing to God. Right now, I think the best way to do this is to rise above the situation by handling adversity. This doesn't mean not making mistakes. But it does mean not curling up in the fetal position and whimpering about how things used to be in high school, when life was simpler and the sun was shining. It means to get tough-to be a good man, not merely a nice guy.
Law school, for me, goes far beyond getting an education. It is a time when I am being put on trial, being tested by the Lord to see what kind of man I am to become. My job is to let it be a crucible, not an incinerator.
Last night, I watched "The Ten Commandments" (the original version, with Charlton Heston), and I am reminded of his journey through the desert. At this point, Moses could not be in a worse situation. He was the prince of Egypt, yet he had lost everything, been stripped of his title, given a day's worth of bread and water, and left to crawl through the desert. Yet as the narrator explains, this was his great time of trial, where he was formed and sharpened for God's great work that lay ahead. It made me think of where I am right now-not that my experience is as difficult as his, but the struggles I face are God's way of preparing me for His purpose in a grand design I cannot see, a part I will play beyond the horizon.
Here's what I am going to start doing to rise to the challenges I face:
1) Restore my communion with God. My goals for this year included praying twice a day, and having a devotion and Bible reading at least daily. There is still plenty of time to get back on track with this, and make it happen. My prayer times lately have been short and ineffective, a "help me in this interview, Lord" or "bless John/Mary, Lord". My time with God has to go beyond this to be effective.
2) Get more sleep. Since I have a huge workload in between now and finals, the temptation is to stay up late and work until I am just short of falling asleep at my desk. This does no good for me or for getting me to the prize.
3) Exercise. Not only to lose weight, but to concentrate better, study more effectively, sleep better, and in general have a better quality of life. When I am at my best, I am at my best for God.
4) Trust God more. My tendency is to wring my hands over every future, hypothetical situation that might pose a threat to the regime I have constructed around myself. Will I find a job after I graduate? Will I get married? Will I have enough money to pay my bills? This is a spiritual shortcoming on my part, that has to be confronted through prayer, faith, and facing the facts.
Finally, the most important thing to remember is that I will get through this. The flames of the fire I face burn hot, but when I emerge from the chaos in my schedule and the turmoil of spiritual and emotional growth, I will be a more effective Christian than in the past. Through the strength of the Holy Spirit, I will be a more powerful person than ever before.
I will be more confident. I will have a deeper and more abiding faith not only in my salvation, but my earthly deliverance from sin and fear. I will have not only the knowledge from being an attorney, but the armor of God equipped for the great adventure that is yet to come.
As I write this, I am in the last stage of the first year of law school. In two weeks, I will be taking my exams in Property, Constitutional Law, and Legislation, and I will be competing for a spot on one of the law journals for next year. After that, I will have a few weeks off before I head out to Arizona for the first stage of the Blackstone Fellowship, and then beyond that, a fall semester packed with everything except time to rest. The rest of 2006 is going to be extremely busy, and will probably go by fast.
On the surface, this should be one of the best times of my life-I am getting to live out the plans I had made for myself. But recently, especially in the last month or so, I have let myself become consumed with the stress I am under. This has been brought on by a combination of things: a lack of enough sleep, not making it to exercise on a regular basis, but most importantly, I have lacked a regular prayer and devotion time. My communication with Headquarters has, for the most part, been severed by the Enemy's distractions.
Ultimately there is only one way out-finding a way to rise above the situation by growing and meeting my spiritual and student-related challenges.
About a month ago, I wrote about how my problem is that I am focused too much on living to please other people, instead of pleasing God. But what I still need to figure out is what it means to live a life that is pleasing to God. Right now, I think the best way to do this is to rise above the situation by handling adversity. This doesn't mean not making mistakes. But it does mean not curling up in the fetal position and whimpering about how things used to be in high school, when life was simpler and the sun was shining. It means to get tough-to be a good man, not merely a nice guy.
Law school, for me, goes far beyond getting an education. It is a time when I am being put on trial, being tested by the Lord to see what kind of man I am to become. My job is to let it be a crucible, not an incinerator.
Last night, I watched "The Ten Commandments" (the original version, with Charlton Heston), and I am reminded of his journey through the desert. At this point, Moses could not be in a worse situation. He was the prince of Egypt, yet he had lost everything, been stripped of his title, given a day's worth of bread and water, and left to crawl through the desert. Yet as the narrator explains, this was his great time of trial, where he was formed and sharpened for God's great work that lay ahead. It made me think of where I am right now-not that my experience is as difficult as his, but the struggles I face are God's way of preparing me for His purpose in a grand design I cannot see, a part I will play beyond the horizon.
Here's what I am going to start doing to rise to the challenges I face:
1) Restore my communion with God. My goals for this year included praying twice a day, and having a devotion and Bible reading at least daily. There is still plenty of time to get back on track with this, and make it happen. My prayer times lately have been short and ineffective, a "help me in this interview, Lord" or "bless John/Mary, Lord". My time with God has to go beyond this to be effective.
2) Get more sleep. Since I have a huge workload in between now and finals, the temptation is to stay up late and work until I am just short of falling asleep at my desk. This does no good for me or for getting me to the prize.
3) Exercise. Not only to lose weight, but to concentrate better, study more effectively, sleep better, and in general have a better quality of life. When I am at my best, I am at my best for God.
4) Trust God more. My tendency is to wring my hands over every future, hypothetical situation that might pose a threat to the regime I have constructed around myself. Will I find a job after I graduate? Will I get married? Will I have enough money to pay my bills? This is a spiritual shortcoming on my part, that has to be confronted through prayer, faith, and facing the facts.
Finally, the most important thing to remember is that I will get through this. The flames of the fire I face burn hot, but when I emerge from the chaos in my schedule and the turmoil of spiritual and emotional growth, I will be a more effective Christian than in the past. Through the strength of the Holy Spirit, I will be a more powerful person than ever before.
I will be more confident. I will have a deeper and more abiding faith not only in my salvation, but my earthly deliverance from sin and fear. I will have not only the knowledge from being an attorney, but the armor of God equipped for the great adventure that is yet to come.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
On Pleasing God
Tonight is one of those times where I am overdue for some self-reflection. Once in a while, I need some time to step back and look at where I am going as a Christian, and how I am fulfilling my life's purpose of glorifying God.
Right now, this is timely because in five days, I am sitting down to take the second Contracts exam. It is the major part of the Contracts grade for the year, and is going to make a big difference as far as my overall first-year success, with getting onto a journal, class rank, etc. But before I sit for the exam, I need to address something that is much more pressing, that is on my heart as I write this. I need to figure out who I am trying to please by my life's actions.
I came to law school for one reason-to serve God by becoming a lawyer. Yet at the same time, I struggle with keeping my focus on that, and on Him, instead of the day-to-day worries over grades, what I am going to do next summer, and all of the things that consume us from the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night. This daily grind is a major factor in the "culture shock" I have received since I moved down here 7 1/2 months ago. I am not used to not being at the very top when it comes to academic achievement, yet this idea that I would always be the best, always be number one, is now gone forever. I have just now begun to realize that maybe, just maybe, coming here for law school was God's plan all along, to jar me out of my spiritual complacency by taking away what I had hidden behind for all those years.
This was the wound that had to be delivered.
I've just now begun to realize that a lot of my problems and shortcomings come from what amounts to disobeying God by trying to please people. Instead of focusing on God's will for my life, and what the Lord says I should be doing, I focus on what the world says I should be doing. The world says I should be examining myself as a human being according to my first semester's grades and the prism of achievement. The world says I should pursue women until I find someone who will complete me and validate me as a man. And this is what has been making me miserable all this time, when I should be joyful, expecting God's favor, and eager for the blessings He is bringing to bear in my life. For crying out loud, if you had told me I would get into law school at Ohio State, live on my own in Columbus, and receive the Blackstone Fellowship at this time 18 months ago, I would have jumped for joy. But I have let some abstract standard define what will make me happy and fulfilled, instead of really listening to myself.
That ends right now.
I want to add that I am not blaming anyone but myself for this; it is entirely self-inflicted. No one in the law school is forcing me to worry about whether I will get the kind of job I think I "should" have when I graduate; they are good and dedicated people helping us through a difficult three years. None of the people I interact with socially are forcing me to drag myself through the mud every time I start to think that I just might deserve something better than suppressing my self-confidence; they can listen and comfort, but not think for me.
The problem lies within, not without, and unless I open the door to something better, God will not come in. He gives me the free will to be as happy or as miserable as I choose. But now that I recognize what is going on, I can pray for God's help, and work to change. I wrote down what came to mind on this, and here it is, unchanged:
"Just remember, it's not your grades or your accomplishments that make you 'special'-it's the fact that God loves you, and what He has done for you, to save you. All these years, you spent thinking that it was what you did that made you stand out from everybody else-it wasn't. Those things are good and can be used to glorify God, but they are not what makes you the man you are. Who you really are comes from somewhere inside. It comes from your heart, and a soul and spirit that have been cleansed by what Jesus went through for you 2,000 years ago.
"Don't let how you do on this exam, or anything else, put you into a box or a percentile. You are a Christian. Be excellent, do your best, but keep your eyes on Him, and never lose focus of why you are here. That goes for life, not just law school."
Lord, let me never lose sight of You as my true focus. Let what I do as a law student be a prayer to You, as the best I have to offer.
Right now, this is timely because in five days, I am sitting down to take the second Contracts exam. It is the major part of the Contracts grade for the year, and is going to make a big difference as far as my overall first-year success, with getting onto a journal, class rank, etc. But before I sit for the exam, I need to address something that is much more pressing, that is on my heart as I write this. I need to figure out who I am trying to please by my life's actions.
I came to law school for one reason-to serve God by becoming a lawyer. Yet at the same time, I struggle with keeping my focus on that, and on Him, instead of the day-to-day worries over grades, what I am going to do next summer, and all of the things that consume us from the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night. This daily grind is a major factor in the "culture shock" I have received since I moved down here 7 1/2 months ago. I am not used to not being at the very top when it comes to academic achievement, yet this idea that I would always be the best, always be number one, is now gone forever. I have just now begun to realize that maybe, just maybe, coming here for law school was God's plan all along, to jar me out of my spiritual complacency by taking away what I had hidden behind for all those years.
This was the wound that had to be delivered.
I've just now begun to realize that a lot of my problems and shortcomings come from what amounts to disobeying God by trying to please people. Instead of focusing on God's will for my life, and what the Lord says I should be doing, I focus on what the world says I should be doing. The world says I should be examining myself as a human being according to my first semester's grades and the prism of achievement. The world says I should pursue women until I find someone who will complete me and validate me as a man. And this is what has been making me miserable all this time, when I should be joyful, expecting God's favor, and eager for the blessings He is bringing to bear in my life. For crying out loud, if you had told me I would get into law school at Ohio State, live on my own in Columbus, and receive the Blackstone Fellowship at this time 18 months ago, I would have jumped for joy. But I have let some abstract standard define what will make me happy and fulfilled, instead of really listening to myself.
That ends right now.
I want to add that I am not blaming anyone but myself for this; it is entirely self-inflicted. No one in the law school is forcing me to worry about whether I will get the kind of job I think I "should" have when I graduate; they are good and dedicated people helping us through a difficult three years. None of the people I interact with socially are forcing me to drag myself through the mud every time I start to think that I just might deserve something better than suppressing my self-confidence; they can listen and comfort, but not think for me.
The problem lies within, not without, and unless I open the door to something better, God will not come in. He gives me the free will to be as happy or as miserable as I choose. But now that I recognize what is going on, I can pray for God's help, and work to change. I wrote down what came to mind on this, and here it is, unchanged:
"Just remember, it's not your grades or your accomplishments that make you 'special'-it's the fact that God loves you, and what He has done for you, to save you. All these years, you spent thinking that it was what you did that made you stand out from everybody else-it wasn't. Those things are good and can be used to glorify God, but they are not what makes you the man you are. Who you really are comes from somewhere inside. It comes from your heart, and a soul and spirit that have been cleansed by what Jesus went through for you 2,000 years ago.
"Don't let how you do on this exam, or anything else, put you into a box or a percentile. You are a Christian. Be excellent, do your best, but keep your eyes on Him, and never lose focus of why you are here. That goes for life, not just law school."
Lord, let me never lose sight of You as my true focus. Let what I do as a law student be a prayer to You, as the best I have to offer.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day makes me sick. Or at least I used to think so.
When I was in elementary school, every year our school would have a Valentine's Day party. The kids would go buy their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or My Little Pony valentines, write one for everybody in the class (and their teacher), and drop them in little paper bags on everyone's desk. And every year, my mom would go up to the school, pick up my valentine bag, and bring it home to me, because I was sick in bed. In five years of elementary school, this happened four times, plus again in junior high and high school.
The reason I thought it made me sick wasn't because I came down with something every February. Until this year, I thought the whole thing was just another exercise in conspicuous consumption. I thought everyone was struggling to keep up with the popular culture's pressure to spend money on dinner, flowers, jewelry, etc., or stay home and stew over not having a reason to. I would tell everyone who would listen about how Valentine's Day is an ancient Roman custom that has been hijacked by restaurant owners, card companies, and anyone else who wants to make a dollar at our expense.
But this kind of thinking misses the real point. Yes, the popular culture version of it is all red and pink, alcohol and fancy dinners, and diamond bracelets. But instead of focusing on how that conception is wrong, we need to look at what we should do instead.
If we are married, engaged, dating, etc., it should be a time to examine our relationship with the other person-whether we are showing them every day, not just one day, how important they are to us, and how we value them as a friend and a companion. Christians, we should all take the time to look at whether that relationship is glorifying God, and if we are putting Him at the center. He is the Author of every love story.
I'm single, but I'm not going to let Valentine's Day go by without taking a look at myself, and the kind of man God is creating to be a companion to my future wife. If it is His will that I be married one day, am I growing in the Lord, in holiness, so that I can provide what she needs from her husband? I don't bring this up to sound presumptuous, or get ahead of where I should be at this stage of my life, but I believe that just thinking about where I want to be later on will make me a better follower of God now, and a better husband and father when, and if, the time comes.
As individuals, whether Christian or not, we can always examine ourselves to see where our lives are headed, and if what we are doing now points us to that goal. And whether single, married, or otherwise, we can use Valentine's Day as a way to have fun and share a special day with others, but also to look at ourselves. And that's nothing to get sick over.
When I was in elementary school, every year our school would have a Valentine's Day party. The kids would go buy their Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or My Little Pony valentines, write one for everybody in the class (and their teacher), and drop them in little paper bags on everyone's desk. And every year, my mom would go up to the school, pick up my valentine bag, and bring it home to me, because I was sick in bed. In five years of elementary school, this happened four times, plus again in junior high and high school.
The reason I thought it made me sick wasn't because I came down with something every February. Until this year, I thought the whole thing was just another exercise in conspicuous consumption. I thought everyone was struggling to keep up with the popular culture's pressure to spend money on dinner, flowers, jewelry, etc., or stay home and stew over not having a reason to. I would tell everyone who would listen about how Valentine's Day is an ancient Roman custom that has been hijacked by restaurant owners, card companies, and anyone else who wants to make a dollar at our expense.
But this kind of thinking misses the real point. Yes, the popular culture version of it is all red and pink, alcohol and fancy dinners, and diamond bracelets. But instead of focusing on how that conception is wrong, we need to look at what we should do instead.
If we are married, engaged, dating, etc., it should be a time to examine our relationship with the other person-whether we are showing them every day, not just one day, how important they are to us, and how we value them as a friend and a companion. Christians, we should all take the time to look at whether that relationship is glorifying God, and if we are putting Him at the center. He is the Author of every love story.
I'm single, but I'm not going to let Valentine's Day go by without taking a look at myself, and the kind of man God is creating to be a companion to my future wife. If it is His will that I be married one day, am I growing in the Lord, in holiness, so that I can provide what she needs from her husband? I don't bring this up to sound presumptuous, or get ahead of where I should be at this stage of my life, but I believe that just thinking about where I want to be later on will make me a better follower of God now, and a better husband and father when, and if, the time comes.
As individuals, whether Christian or not, we can always examine ourselves to see where our lives are headed, and if what we are doing now points us to that goal. And whether single, married, or otherwise, we can use Valentine's Day as a way to have fun and share a special day with others, but also to look at ourselves. And that's nothing to get sick over.
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