On Pleasing God

Tonight is one of those times where I am overdue for some self-reflection. Once in a while, I need some time to step back and look at where I am going as a Christian, and how I am fulfilling my life's purpose of glorifying God.

Right now, this is timely because in five days, I am sitting down to take the second Contracts exam. It is the major part of the Contracts grade for the year, and is going to make a big difference as far as my overall first-year success, with getting onto a journal, class rank, etc. But before I sit for the exam, I need to address something that is much more pressing, that is on my heart as I write this. I need to figure out who I am trying to please by my life's actions.

I came to law school for one reason-to serve God by becoming a lawyer. Yet at the same time, I struggle with keeping my focus on that, and on Him, instead of the day-to-day worries over grades, what I am going to do next summer, and all of the things that consume us from the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night. This daily grind is a major factor in the "culture shock" I have received since I moved down here 7 1/2 months ago. I am not used to not being at the very top when it comes to academic achievement, yet this idea that I would always be the best, always be number one, is now gone forever. I have just now begun to realize that maybe, just maybe, coming here for law school was God's plan all along, to jar me out of my spiritual complacency by taking away what I had hidden behind for all those years.

This was the wound that had to be delivered.

I've just now begun to realize that a lot of my problems and shortcomings come from what amounts to disobeying God by trying to please people. Instead of focusing on God's will for my life, and what the Lord says I should be doing, I focus on what the world says I should be doing. The world says I should be examining myself as a human being according to my first semester's grades and the prism of achievement. The world says I should pursue women until I find someone who will complete me and validate me as a man. And this is what has been making me miserable all this time, when I should be joyful, expecting God's favor, and eager for the blessings He is bringing to bear in my life. For crying out loud, if you had told me I would get into law school at Ohio State, live on my own in Columbus, and receive the Blackstone Fellowship at this time 18 months ago, I would have jumped for joy. But I have let some abstract standard define what will make me happy and fulfilled, instead of really listening to myself.

That ends right now.

I want to add that I am not blaming anyone but myself for this; it is entirely self-inflicted. No one in the law school is forcing me to worry about whether I will get the kind of job I think I "should" have when I graduate; they are good and dedicated people helping us through a difficult three years. None of the people I interact with socially are forcing me to drag myself through the mud every time I start to think that I just might deserve something better than suppressing my self-confidence; they can listen and comfort, but not think for me.

The problem lies within, not without, and unless I open the door to something better, God will not come in. He gives me the free will to be as happy or as miserable as I choose. But now that I recognize what is going on, I can pray for God's help, and work to change. I wrote down what came to mind on this, and here it is, unchanged:

"Just remember, it's not your grades or your accomplishments that make you 'special'-it's the fact that God loves you, and what He has done for you, to save you. All these years, you spent thinking that it was what you did that made you stand out from everybody else-it wasn't. Those things are good and can be used to glorify God, but they are not what makes you the man you are. Who you really are comes from somewhere inside. It comes from your heart, and a soul and spirit that have been cleansed by what Jesus went through for you 2,000 years ago.

"Don't let how you do on this exam, or anything else, put you into a box or a percentile. You are a Christian. Be excellent, do your best, but keep your eyes on Him, and never lose focus of why you are here. That goes for life, not just law school."

Lord, let me never lose sight of You as my true focus. Let what I do as a law student be a prayer to You, as the best I have to offer.